Today, we celebrate Tu B'Av - the Jewish Festival of Relationships.
For some reason this holiday is not very well known, but in ancient days, it was the solution to the 'dating crisis' we experience today. Approximately 1200 BCE when many were struggling to find a mate, the “daughters of Jerusalem would go dance in the vineyards” on the fifteenth of the month of Av, and “whoever did not have a wife would go there” to find himself a bride.
The Talmud states that “There were no better days for the people of Israel than the 15th of Av since on this day the daughters of Israel would go out dressed in borrowed white clothing, so as not to embarrass anyone who did not have nice clothes… And the daughters of Jerusalem would go out and dance in the vineyards located on the outskirts of the city, and say: "Young man, lift up your eyes and choose wisely. Don’t look only at physical beauty – look rather at family” (Talmud Taanit 30b-31a).
Relationships are like Gardens- They can't just be installed and ignored. They need to be tended to with love, sensitivity and hard work. All that it takes to destroy a beautiful garden is......nothing. Same thing with a relationship. With hard work, dedication and humility, it will thrive. But if neglected, it will wither and die.
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Please enjoy this article written by my friend and colleague, Chabad Rabbi Yitzy Hurwitz, the spirited California Shliach battling ALS disease, as he offers 5 quick marriage tips for men on how to listen better. Due to his debilitating condition, he wrote this article through a special computer which allows him to use his eye to select letters and words that the computer speaks aloud!
Wishing you a Shabbat of Peace and Harmony in our Relationships,
Rabbi Dovid and Chana Vigler
One of the biggest complaints women have to their husbands is "He doesn't listen."The problem is that men have no idea what women mean when they say that.
The first thing you need to know is that women have a natural need to be understood. When they feel understood they feel loved. They will even tell their best friend "I really feel like he understands me." Translation: "I feel loved."
This is difficult for men to understand because men don't have a natural need to be understood. Becoming a good listener takes a lot of patience and effort. The reward is tremendous.
The next thing to understand is that, being natural listeners, women get extremely frustrated when you don't listen. That makes for an unhappy wife, you don't want to go there.
The reward for becoming a good listener is a happy wife, a deep, close and meaningful relationship. She will become your strongest advocate and stay by your side thick and thin.
Listening is understanding her from her perspective. To do this, first you need to shut down your way of thinking and experience her feelings from her perspective. This way you really get to know her, not your understanding of her, but her understanding of her.
Listening is more than hearing words. Women say a lot without talking. They use facial expressions, body language, clothing and self care to express themselves and expect you to notice.
Women are detail oriented. They especially notice things that are wrong or out of place. For example, she could be all made up and dressed to the nines. You see an amazing, flawless sight. All she sees is a small pimple that appeared on her chin.
Men, on the other hand, see the big picture but miss the details.
Listening requires noticing details and putting the clues together to form a conclusion. At minimum you should notice that something is wrong or that something is different. Then you will be able to ask "What is wrong?" or "What is different?" If not you are "clueless," don't be clueless.
Here are some tips for good listening:
1. Set times for listening.
Make it a habit that the first five minutes when you come home is for listening. Ask your wife how her day was. Imagine how good she will feel, knowing that she is first on your mind when you come home.
A good time for listening is after the children are asleep but if she is too tired at that time, do it earlier. It is okay for the kids to see you together talking, it will be a valuable lesson and will give them a sense of stability.
The main thing is that you set times that work for the two of you, and that you keep them. Your wife will look forward to being with you at that time.
"I don't have the time" and "I'm to busy" are not exceptable excuses. Make the time.
2. No opinions.
All she wants is for you to listen and understand, that's it. Refrain from sharing your suggestions, opinions or advice, they are not relevant to her feelings. Just listen and understand.
3. Hear the new material.
Women change every day, so every day there is more to tell. There are also deeper parts of herself to share. What you heard yesterday is not enough today. There are new facets discovered today that need to be shared. There are also new things going on in her life.
4. 'Listen' to the motions.
When you are listening look at her. Notice her expressions and body language. Every so often, give her a subtle hint to let her know that you understand. It could be a nod or a soft sound. This will let her know that you are paying attention. If you don't, she will assume you didn't understand and repeat herself. She will get aggravated and complain that "he doesn't listen."
5. No distractions whatsoever
You are not required to be listening all the time but rather when you are supposed to be listening do it correctly. Be focused and pay attention. Remove distractions, put away you cell phone and teach the children not to disturb you at this time. Let her feel like you are totally there for her, let her feel like you are interested in knowing her.
It is my hope that you put these tips to the test, and that that this contributes to your wife's happiness. Her happiness will surely contribute to your happiness. Happy wife Happy life.
Rabbi Yitzi Hurwitz is the founder of Chabad Jewish Center in Temecula, CA. He is married to Dina and has 7 children and is currently living in Los Angeles as he battles ALS disease. Visit his blog at yitzihurwitz.blogspot.com . To donate to his medical costs, visithurwitzfamilyfund.com

So what then, pray tell, governs the survival of the Jews?
Last Shabbos we walked the Old City of Jerusalem where there has been a Jewish presence since the time of our Temple. The Jews were all expelled from there in 1948, after a heroic battle against the Jordanians in the War of Independence. Following a heavy siege, the Jews assembled in a square in the Old City where they surrendered to the Arabs. After kicking them out, the Jordanians proceeded to flatten the Jewish Quarter of the Old City in the hopes of the Jews never returning.
In the Leah Frankel Balcony at the Western Wall moments after concluding the Colonge Torah Repair for our Shul.
Torah scrolls turned into household items by Nazis, on display in Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum