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5 relationship tips for men

Today, we celebrate Tu B'Av the Jewish Festival of Relationships.

For some reason this holiday is not very well known, but in ancient days, it was the solution to the 'dating crisis' we experience today. Approximately 1200 BCE when many were struggling to find a mate, the “daughters of Jerusalem would go dance in the vineyards” on the fifteenth of the month of Av, and “whoever did not have a wife would go there” to find himself a bride.

The Talmud states that “There were no better days for the people of Israel than the 15th of Av since on this day the daughters of Israel would go out dressed in borrowed white clothing, so as not to embarrass anyone who did not have nice clothes… And the daughters of Jerusalem would go out and dance in the vineyards located on the outskirts of the city, and say: "Young man, lift up your eyes and choose wisely. Don’t look only at physical beauty – look rather at family” (Talmud Taanit 30b-31a).

Relationships are like Gardens- They can't just be installed and ignored. They need to be tended to with love, sensitivity and hard work. All that it takes to destroy a beautiful garden is......nothing. Same thing with a relationship. With hard work, dedication and humility, it will thrive. But if neglected, it will wither and die.

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Please enjoy this article written by my friend and colleague, Chabad Rabbi Yitzy Hurwitz, the spirited California Shliach battling ALS disease, as he offers 5 quick marriage tips for men on how to listen better. Due to his debilitating condition, he wrote this article through a special computer which allows him to use his eye to select letters and words that the computer speaks aloud!

Wishing you a Shabbat of Peace and Harmony in our Relationships,

Rabbi Dovid and Chana Vigler 

One of the biggest complaints women have to their husbands is "He doesn't listen."The problem is that men have no idea what women mean when they say that.

The first thing you need to know is that women have a natural need to be understood. When they feel understood they feel loved. They will even tell their best friend "I really feel like he understands me." Translation: "I feel loved."

This is difficult for men to understand because men don't have a natural need to be understood. Becoming a good listener takes a lot of patience and effort. The reward is tremendous.

The next thing to understand is that, being natural listeners, women get extremely frustrated when you don't listen. That makes for an unhappy wife, you don't want to go there.

The reward for becoming a good listener is a happy wife, a deep, close and meaningful relationship. She will become your strongest advocate and stay by your side thick and thin.

Listening is understanding her from her perspective. To do this, first you need to shut down your way of thinking and experience her feelings from her perspective. This way you really get to know her, not your understanding of her, but her understanding of her.

Listening is more than hearing words. Women say a lot without talking. They use facial expressions, body language, clothing and self care to express themselves and expect you to notice. 

Women are detail oriented. They especially notice things that are wrong or out of place. For example, she could be all made up and dressed to the nines. You see an amazing, flawless sight. All she sees is a small pimple that appeared on her chin. 

Men, on the other hand, see the big picture but miss the details. 

Listening requires noticing details and putting the clues together to form a conclusion. At minimum you should notice that something is wrong or that something is different. Then you will be able to ask "What is wrong?" or "What is different?" If not you are "clueless," don't be clueless. 

Here are some tips for good listening:

1. Set times for listening.

Make it a habit that the first five minutes when you come home is for listening. Ask your wife how her day was. Imagine how good she will feel, knowing that she is first on your mind when you come home. 

A good time for listening is after the children are asleep but if she is too tired at that time, do it earlier. It is okay for the kids to see you together talking, it will be a valuable lesson and will give them a sense of stability. 

The main thing is that you set times that work for the two of you, and that you keep them. Your wife will look forward to being with you at that time. 

"I don't have the time" and "I'm to busy" are not exceptable excuses. Make the time. 

2. No opinions.

All she wants is for you to listen and understand, that's it. Refrain from sharing your suggestions, opinions or advice, they are not relevant to her feelings. Just listen and understand. 

3. Hear the new material.

Women change every day, so every day there is more to tell. There are also deeper parts of herself to share. What you heard yesterday is not enough today. There are new facets discovered today that need to be shared. There are also new things going on in her life.

4. 'Listen' to the motions.

When you are listening look at her. Notice her expressions and body language. Every so often, give her a subtle hint to let her know that you understand. It could be a nod or a soft sound. This will let her know that you are paying attention. If you don't, she will assume you didn't understand and repeat herself. She will get aggravated and complain that "he doesn't listen."

5. No distractions whatsoever

You are not required to be listening all the time but rather when you are supposed to be listening do it correctly. Be focused and pay attention. Remove distractions, put away you cell phone and teach the children not to disturb you at this time. Let her feel like you are totally there for her, let her feel like you are interested in knowing her.

It is my hope that you put these tips to the test, and that that this contributes to your wife's happiness. Her happiness will surely contribute to your happiness. Happy wife Happy life.

Rabbi Yitzi Hurwitz is the founder of Chabad Jewish Center in Temecula, CA. He is married to Dina and has 7 children and is currently living in Los Angeles as he battles ALS disease. Visit his blog at 
yitzihurwitz.blogspot.com . To donate to his medical costs, visithurwitzfamilyfund.com

What you can actually do to counter a nuclear Iran

The world shudders as it considers the consequences of a nuclear Iran, a country whose leaders still brazenly call for the destruction of Israel.

At a crucial time like this, it behooves us to find precedent in our People's history for such a showdown. It’s remarkable to discover that indeed, twenty two hundred years ago, during the Purim story, the ancient Iranians (the Persians) threatened to annihilate the entire Jewish People in one single day!

Haman’s decree then was arguably the most difficult moments of our nation's history. What did they do then to turn the situation around? What can we learn from them to apply today, as we face modern day Persia’s calls for our destruction?

The Talmud reveals to us that the root of the evil decree upon the Jews was that they rejected G-d by enjoying the feast of the King Achashverosh (King Xerxes), which was a wild celebration of his conquest over all nations, including Hashem. It was only after the Jews humbled themselves before G-d, through three intensive days of fasting, that they reconciled with their Father in Heaven and succeeded in procuring the miraculous salvation which has become the Purim story we celebrate to this day.

How similar is our situation today! We too have placed our trust in politicians and armies that will come to our aid at our time of need, instead of trusting in G-d. As in ancient Persia, this approach has not been a wise course for the Jews.

But the key to our salvation lies in our hands!

If we have the vision and clarity to recognize that it is not a Secretary of State or any leader of the P5+1 who holds the key to our security, but Hashem our Father in heaven, we will be able to achieve the same result as we did in ancient Persia.

By Divine Providence, this Sunday is a major fast day for our People. Tisha B'Av is the saddest day on the Jewish calendar, being the date on which both the First and Second Temples were destroyed and millions were massacred, raped and exiled. We fast on this day in order to reconcile with our Maker.

Let's seize the opportunity of the fast of Tisha B'Av to really fast, rather than merely avoid eating. If we can focus our lack of food on the true source of our lives, a brief and powerful meditation will inspire us to Teshuva, to reconnect with Hashem and thus bring redemption and salvation to our nation as it did just twenty two centuries ago in Persia!

Deal with Iran- might not be such a bad deal after all...here's why

There's a lot of talk on both sides of the aisle about the deal with Iran this week, and emotional tensions are at an all time high. But I passionately believe that both arguments are completely missing the point.

At this epic moment in the history of our nation, we are faced with the option of making the exact same mistake that Jews have struggled with since their inception. Many of us believe that we are a nation like all others and that our security, like all other nations, is subject to the friendships, loyalties, and alliances of the nations that surround us.

But the thundering call of Moses to our People, rings loud and clear: If you will survive the vicissitudes of time, you must recall that you are a nation set apart, not governed by the laws that govern other nations: 'Hein am Levadad yiskoin uvagoyim lo yis'chashav'. Simply put, the laws of logic and nature dictate the survival of all other nations, but not the Jews.

Rabbi Vigler IDF 07072015.jpgSo what then, pray tell, governs the survival of the Jews?

We utter this truth twice daily: Shma Yisrael Havayae Elokeinu..' Hear O Israel, Havaye is your power...' Chassidic Theology clarifies to us that the name of G-d, Havaye, represents G-d as He is not subject to the laws of time, space and nature. Indeed this name of G-d is comprised of the words past, present and future all into one word, signifying G-d as He controls nature and is not governed by it. It is this energy level from whence the Jews nurture their survival.

You don't have to take my word for it. Just look back at every war the Jews have fought since Israel declared independence in 1948. Doesn't it strike you as odd that we have survived against impossible odds, establishing Israel as one of the mightiest nations in the world!? 

How a nation the size of New Jersey can compete with China, USA and Russia is absolutely dumbfounding and somewhat disturbing. It defies all logic, all rhyme and reason, and can only be attributed to the reality that the survival of the Jews has nothing to do with the laws of nature, nothing to do with politics.

Indeed, Israel's first Prime Minister, David Ben Gurion famously said: 'In Israel, in order to be a realist you must believe in miracles.'

So, instead of fussing exclusively over the President's historic/notorious deal, take some time to reflect on your own identity as a Jew, and your personal connection to Hashem. Our strength depends not only on politics; history proves to us that it relies heavily on our spiritual connection as well!

At this significant moment in our national security, I urge you meditate on how you can actually make a tangible difference to the security of our people from those who desire to harm us. Light candles tonight before 7:58 PM, lay tefillin with us mornings at 7:30 AM or have a cup of coffee with me to discuss other options and ideas.

Of course, we must make every effort to take political steps with sure footing, and it's important to lobby your senators and congressmen as you feel necessary. But to think that the survival of Israel lies exclusively in the hands of politicians is to fall prey to the same mistake that Jews have made for thousands of years. Let's be smart. Lets do this one right!

Wishing you a Shabbos of Connection to our True Source,

Rabbi Dovid and Chana Vigler 

Greetings from Jerusalem: A moving story this week at the Kotel


Israel Grafitti 07062015.jpgLast Shabbos we walked the Old City of Jerusalem where there has been a Jewish presence since the time of our Temple. The Jews were all expelled from there in 1948, after a heroic battle against the Jordanians in the War of Independence. Following a heavy siege, the Jews assembled in a square in the Old City where they surrendered to the Arabs. After kicking them out, the Jordanians proceeded to flatten the Jewish Quarter of the Old City in the hopes of the Jews never returning. 

As we reached the courtyard, I was moved to tears. Etched upon the wall was a prophecy of our prophet Zechariah uttered 2800 years ago (Zechariah 8:4-5): "Old men and old women will once again sit in the open places of Jerusalem, each one with his cane in his hand, because of their great age. The city's open places will also be full of boys and girls playing there." 

Wow! We were witnessing a biblical prophecy unfold before our very eyes. We could barely pass through the quaint alleyways and beautiful streets without bumping into little kinderlach with yarmulkes and peyos, into young girls singing and dancing in the courtyards and side streets, whilst their chatty bubbehs and smiling zeides supervised them from a distance. 

In another heartwarming experience, we were walking home late Friday night after an exhilarating Shabbos dinner on a rooftop overlooking the Western Wall, the Mount of Olives (oldest Jewish cemetery in the world) and most of Jerusalem, heading back to our hotel. It must’ve been close to 1:00 AM when we bumped into a young man and woman who asked us if we would like some mango juice. Seemed pretty random! Turns out that these two had just gotten married a day or two earlier and were still in the midst of their wedding celebrations. 

"Yet again there shall be heard in this place...the voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride." (Jeremiah 33:10-11) 

Perhaps it was the generous l’chaims at dinner; perhaps it was the intoxicating view of all of Jewish History which surrounded us from that rooftop; or perhaps it was the novelty we sensed in meeting two apparent strangers on a Jerusalem Street corner just outside the city walls, celebrating their joy with us as brothers and sisters. Whatever the inspiration, we burst into spontaneous song and dance. The men locked arms with the groom; the women with the bride. For ten or fifteen minutes on that street corner in Jerusalem, our differences melted away as we celebrated with the young couple, expressing the joy of being in our homeland with our brethren. Indeed, last Friday Night at 1:00 AM, the sound of the groom and the sound of the bride rang loud and clear through the outskirts of Jerusalem as the prophecy promises! 

The promise of rebuilding and Jewish renewal is everywhere to be seen in the Holy Land. Even on the graffiti on this stop sign in Tel Aviv! Have you ever seen graffiti this classy?! Look closely at the attached photo we snapped..... 

We experienced both these prophecies fulfilled on a very sad day in the Jewish Calendar: the 17th of Tammuz is the day that the Romans breached the walls of Jerusalem as they prepared to burn her down entirely three weeks later in 69 CE. We still fast on this day and the three weeks between now and Tisha B'Av are days of mourning. Indeed, as part of our walking tour of the City, we actually walked over the fallen stones of the walls of Jerusalem that haven’t moved in the past 1946 years (they’re simply too heavy and they’re an archeological treasure). 

The Talmud tells us the story of four sages who walked by the ruins of the Holy Temple of Jerusalem soon after its destruction. Three of them burst into bitter tears, but the fourth, Rabbi Akiva, burst out laughing. Seeing their astonishment at his irreverence, Rabbi Akiva explained to his companions: "Just as I see the fulfillment of the prophecies of destruction, so too am I assured of the prophecies of rebuilding". One prophecy fulfilled assures us that the rest will be fulfilled too. 

The three rabbis responded to Rabbi Akiva: "Akiva you have comforted us; Akiva you have comforted us." May we experience the same. May the prophecies we witnessed with our own eyes and ears this last Shabbos inspire us all too, to say that just as these prophecies of rebuilding have been fulfilled, so too will all the other prophecies of Moshiach’s arrival and the era of world peace, harmony and G-dly revelation, be fulfilled speedily in our days too! 

A moving story this week at the Kotel

Greetings from Jerusalem from where I write this Shabbos message to you:

Our Mission to Israel made history in July 2015 with a moving ceremony that we held at the Western Wall, affectionately known as the Kotel.

Recently, a Torah was quietly donated to our Shul - a Torah that was in use in Cologne, Germany before the war. Somehow this Torah survived the flames of the Holocaust, defiantly surviving, albeit with considerable damage. Our scribe has been working for almost two years to repair this Torah and bring the Cologne Torah back to perfect condition. 

"Don’t even try to arrange a Torah signing by the Kotel," our scribe told us. "They never allow it, no matter what, unless the Torah is to stay at the Wall." But our friends Ed and Leah Frankel proved that its not what you know but who you know that counts.

Just before signing the Cologne Torah at the Kotel, we toured the Western Wall tunnels. We were completely blown away when we saw the largest rock, which sits in the Kotel at 44 feet long, 11 feet tall and 12 feet deep, it weighs a whopping 540 tons! Until very recently there was not even a crane in Israel that could lift that weight, so how could it possibly have been lifted 2000 years ago?

To this very day, nobody knows.

But the Midrash tells us an interesting story that might shed light on this strange mystery:

Rabbi Chaninah ben Dosa was a brilliant and pious sage in Roman times, but he was dirt poor. He desired to bring an offering to the temple but couldn’t afford it, so he chiseled out a large stone and prepared it beautifully for the temple. The problem was that it was too large to lift. He had no idea how to move it until five strangers offered to move the giant rock to the temple for a penny each. As he leaned in to begin helping them, he miraculously realized that the rock was already moved to the temple. He then turned to pay them, but they were already gone. The sages told him that apparently the movers were actually angels!

Our Cologne Torah too miraculously survived the Holocaust. We saw what the sadistic Nazis did to Holy Torah scrolls in the pictures below. This Torah too was carried by angels.

Destiny has sent the Cologne Torah to Chabad of Palm Beach Gardens. This beautiful Torah has been without a home for the past 70 years, but it is finally coming home.

And just like the rock moved by the angels, the miracle couldn’t take place until the Rabbi leaned in to assist. So too, this Torah couldn’t come back home unless we made the first move. Our actions are catalysts for G-d’s blessings. Indeed, King David writes: "…and G-d will bless you in all that you do."

And if you find this talk of angels fanciful, you've got to come to Israel, about which Ben Gurion famously said: 'In Israel, in order to be a realist you must believe in miracles.'.

Today, on the day of my birthday, I’d like to bless you with the wisdom and courage to fulfill your potential so that G-d's angels can lift us all even higher.

unnamed-1.jpg unnamed.jpg In the Leah Frankel Balcony at the Western Wall moments after concluding the Colonge Torah Repair for our Shul.

unnamed-2.jpg Torah scrolls turned into household items by Nazis, on display in Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum

unnamed-3.jpg 

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